As a recent college grad with a job that will be available to me only through the summer, I have been on the hunt for another job. Mostly procrastinating in panic because I would prefer to spend my time writing books to publish. But I know that student loans are going to start knocking at my door and forcing me to pay them off. So I need a reliable job.
But in this job search I’ve encountered two points of self doubt. The first telling me that I am not qualified for a job. Not surprisingly, most women don’t apply for jobs for the same exact reasons. I feel so frustrated at myself for it too. Because it leads into my second point: I’m underselling myself. Or applying for jobs that are really entry level if that makes any sense.
For example, I’m currently working as a student assistant for my school and I’ve been applying or will be applying to some administrative assistant jobs at other universities. A few weeks ago, this was not a terrible idea. I know that my reality is that I need to have money to pay for things. I also know that I am going to go to grad school within a year. So I’ve been a little picky about jobs or realistic.
But the other day, I wondered if I was under applying myself by just looking for jobs I know that I can get. Or have a better chance at getting. What a shitty realization to have when all I want is to be able to begin somewhere. Is it so terrible that I am aiming for jobs I know I can do?
When we let self doubt start trickling in, we forget all the reasons why the thing we are doubting is good for us. In my case, I know I need a job. Everyone has bills to pay and I am one of those people. The realities of life, I’m realizing, are what usually make me being a self doubt spiral. And that’s okay.
What I’m starting to realize is that I know what I want out of my life. I want to write blog posts, books and eventually explore other forms of media. And if that could one day be all I do, I would love that. But I also know I want to give back to the world around me. Putting that in a job search though, is not so simple.
I don’t necessarily know what is going to happen on my job search or what I will end up doing. But I do know that writing is going to be something that keeps me grounded through life and as long as I find ways to put my writing out into the world I know I will be happy. That doesn’t mean the self doubt will go away, I just need to ignore it and apply any way. What’s the worst that can happen?