Fear of Falling Backwards or Forwards

Recently, I have been very stagnant with my progress in regards to my weight loss. Although I have been signed up for Weight Watchers, I haven’t been going for the last few weeks. Between being busy and prioritizing my own sleep, I have some good reasons for not going at 7:30 in the morning on Saturdays. But there are always other days to go.
I know a part of me is being super judgmental and hard on myself for allowing myself to miss these days. But there is another part of me that is okay with me missing those days.
I’ve been messing with the idea of falling backwards in regards to my weight loss. Which would mean that instead of losing weight, I gain weight. It’s a hard reality when you’re in college because everyone around you doesnt seem so worried about health and weight. Even when you know that you should be.
I’ve always had the fear of falling backwards. Gaining weigth was the enemy of everything in my life. And yet for the last 7 years I had been gaining steadily. Mostly because of eating habits and lack of exercise. But this last year was the first year where I didnt slip too much. And man did that shift my narrative.
I had gotten so used to being the girl who gained weight every year. And for the first time that was not my reality. I had gotten so used to being the girl who would gain a large about of weight every year. And I actually challegnge that. It felt like the right step forward into losing weight.
But falling forward and losing weight is also scary. Why? Because it means things are changing and that things will be hard. While we don’t always recognize this fear, it is something that we have to deal with on the journey to whatever we want in life.
Being vulnerable means that there is a possibility of getting hurt, which I don’t think anyone wants that. We suffer enough as it is so adding more pain can be something we avoid. In turn we become the ones who old ourselves back. From confronting that one thing in life that scares us the most.
Soul searching is one of the things I’ve been doing, through journaling, to figure out what it is that I want. I was listening to a podcast and the people were talking about finding your why. Without a good, deep and strong enough why it gets hard to follow through with the things in life that present challenges. So search for your why, don’t filter yourself. Be honest and remember that the only one that can hold you accountable is yourself. You don’t need to include others if you don’t want to.

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