Talking to Myself and..the Universe?

All of us do this. Talk to the universe?? No, talk to ourselves. While admitting this might make you sound crazy, it’s totally normal. We all talk to ourselves, whether in our minds, under our breath, or out loud when no one is around. For whatever reason, it helps us make sense of the world. And the Universe? We may not talk to the Universe, or God, or any other being directly, we at least give them clues into our life. Let me explain.

For the past two years,I’ve been a little too busy with school, work, and sorority life (that’s college for ya!) to be in a relationship. I knew it was not going to happen. And I would admit that to everyone. “I have no time for a relationship” became my motto. It eventually turned into, “I just need to focus on me right now.” A lot of you are probably nodding your heads along because you thought the same thing yourself.

What’s so wrong with that?

I’m glad you asked.

In those two years, I dated no one. And in those two years, I pinned (read: cried) about having nobody. I would always say that it’s because I’m busy and have no time. So what’s my excuse now?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And yet here I am whining like season 5 Ross, complaining about all the misfortunes I’ve had in love. But my self talk hasn’t gotten better.

Okay, so tell the Universe that you want a boyfriend.

It’s not that easy. Saying you want a boyfriend,  but not believing you are worthy of having all the good things you want in a partner is another. When I imagine someone flirting with me as I am now- which is hard because I like to think of myself as my ideal, fit self- I always imagine them having a hard time dealing with my physical appearance, or that they think that I am not good enough. And if I were to imagine us in a “relationship”, they cheat on me with someone “beautiful (by society’s standards) or  I panic and freak out about them being unfaithful to me or question my own beauty/sense of self/sexiness. See how that’s problematic?

“It’s not enough to say one thing and believe another. It’s not health for anyone, especially yourself.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to stop that narrative. But I can tell you that change is slow, but worth it. Now more than ever, I don’t feel as much shame about my body. Which is great. Am I aware of the space I take up? Oh, yeah. But can I go home and feel thankful for my body? Yes.

It’s not the easiest thing being a single, plus-sized girl in today’s society. But it is possible, whether it be to find love or self-love. Talk to yourself the way you would want to talk to a future partner. Take care of yourself. Do the things that make you happy and unapologetically you. And put the good vibes out there. Love isn’t going to come is all you do is look at the dark side of being single.

                                                                                                                                                                    -Joss

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